Risque Jokes (IEJ-Db)

Last updated 2/26/1999

The Magic Frog

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream." "No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, 'Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." "Keep going!" "I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, 'You now have 3 wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF, there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, 'What will be your second wish'" "What next?" begged the bartender. "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, 'I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards,as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough."

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her breast. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the KY Jelly."

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who:

1) would treat her nicely

2) wouldn't run away from her,

3) would be good in bed.

Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?' And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?'

This (supposedly)actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year In a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straightfaced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."

THESE 2 LITTLE BOYS ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, WATCHING T.V. WITH THEIR PARENTS. THE MOTHER LOOKS OVER AT THE FATHER WITH A WINK AND A NOD TOWARD UPSTAIRS. THE FATHER "GETS" THE MESSAGE, AND THEY BOTH GET UP AND HEAD TOWARDS THE STAIRS. THE MOTHER TURNS BACK TO THE 2 BOYS AND SAYS, "WE'RE GOING UPSTAIRS FOR A MINUTE. YOU TWO STAY HERE AND WATCH T.V. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, OK?"

THE TWO BOYS NOD OK, AND THE PARENTS TAKE OFF UPSTAIRS. THE OLDEST OF THE 2 BOYS IS OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON NOW, AND HE GETS UP AND TIPTOES UPSTAIRS. AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS, HE PEEKS INTO HIS MOM AND DAD'S BEDROOM AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. BACK DOWN STAIRS HE GOES BACK TO HIS LITTLE BROTHER. "COME WITH ME", HE SAYS. AND THE TWO LITTLE BOYS TIPTOE UP THE STAIRS.

HALFWAY UP, THE OLDER BROTHER TURNS TO HIS BROTHER AND SAYS, "NOW I WANT YOU TO KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO USED TO BUST OUR ASS FOR SUCKING OUR THUMB!!!!

THINGS YOU NEVER SAY TO A NAKED MAN

I've smoked joints fatter than that.

Ahh, it's cute.

I'm sorry.Who circumcised you?

Why don't we just cuddle?

You know they have surgery to fix that.

You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

Can I paint a smiley face on that?

Wow, and your feet are so big.

My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.I

t's OK, we'll work around it.

Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

Oh no, a flash headache!

My 8 year old brother has one like that.

Let me go get my tweezers.How sweet, you brought incense!

This explains your car.

Are you one of those pygmies?

All right! A treasure hunt!

Why is God punishing you?

But it still works, right?

Do you take steroids?

Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

Let me know when you're done.

Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

Aww, it's hiding.Are you cold?

If you get me real drunk first.Is that an optical illusion?

Were you neutered?

It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Does it come with an air pump?

So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Do I hang my hat on it?

Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

This guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen. I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny...keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a bottle of "Viagra" and says, Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!" The guy says, "Gimme 3 boxes."

The next day, the same guy walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The guy says, "No, it's for my wrists, the girls didn't show up."}

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says," Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope! " Everybody gets all excited and chants,"we finally get to ask him !"

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. The other six, say to him, "Go ahead Dopey ask him, ask him!" The Pope asks Dopey, do you have a question for me ? " Dopey replies 'Well yes I do" The Pope says "Well go on and ask me son"

Dopey asks "Do you have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope says "Well I'm sure we do." The others keep pushing Dopey on! Dopey asks "Do you have any black nuns in Alaska?" The Pope says to Dopey "I'm sure there must be a few at the very least." Still not satisfied the other dwarfs egg Dopey on to ask the rest so Dopey asks, "Do you think have any midget black nuns in Alaska?" Quite startled by his question the Pope says "Well no my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

With that answer Dopey started changing to a bright shade of red, as the others started chanting,"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey Screwed a penguin"

THREE WISHES

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF

She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's dog wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

Their was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "mommie what are they doing?" the mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cupcakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cupcakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother" Momie you and daddy were making cupcakes last night". The mother says "how do you know?" She says, "because I licked the frosting off of the sofa".

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be OK. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it. So Wendy replied, "Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your penis

John couldn't back out on that one, so he went to the tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an erection while he put it on. After an hour of excruciating pain, the tattoo was done! As John was on his way home from the tattoo parlor he saw a rest stop and decided he needed to stop and take a leak. He went to the restroom and looked down to admire his tattoo and he noticed, that when he was not erect, the only letters that were visible, were the W and the Y.

Suddenly, a big black gentleman steps into the urinal beside John and John accidentally looked down at the guy and could not help but notice that he ALSO had the letters W and Y tattooed. So John said "Hey, I guess you have a girlfriend or wife named Wendy too." The guys looked confused and said, "What makes you think that?" John replied "Well I noticed the W and the Y tattoo -- so you don't have a girlfriend named Wendy?" The black guys laughed and responded, "No mon, that tattoo says "Welcome to Jamaica, Have a nice day."

One Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The Kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike. The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

ED ZACHERY DISEASE

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So, she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." So she did. "Now, get down on all fours and crawl reery fass to the other side of room." So, she did. Dr. Chang then said, "OK now crawl reery fass to me," so she did. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said "Your probrem vely bad.

You haf Ed Zachary Disease ... worse case I ever see ... that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "What is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

TOP TEN REASONS OREOS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

COMPILED BY LITTLE KEEBLER ELVES

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1.The creamy white stuff tastes good.

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, in that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in Jack's penis. Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?" Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not Sure that I can fit another roll up my ass."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. Thecurrent rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years.And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.

So hebuys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in thebarn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and hegets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.I'll still win easy."So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch.

The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped alittle but he's still hanging in there.Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead.

He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

The Condom Sizer

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The guy says, "Gee, I don't know." The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium." The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of thestore.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerk asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large." The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. The clerk says, "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4; she grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says "where the hell have you been?"

"I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?, what kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick" "What the hell are you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your dick?"

Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow.

Number two, once in awhile, I like to play with my money.

And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home to blow a hundred bucks."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him. As he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turnedto sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems",Linda told her friend. "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom andI. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda. "Oh, wecould never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "Butafter you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again."So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked. "Thingscouldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physicalexam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. Hetold us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunchof grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude,and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that wentinto my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donutthat I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful,in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointmentwith the same sex therapist. After the physical examswere completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'mafraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. "But doctor," Marycomplained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you musthave a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us somehelp? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your wayhome, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of applesand a box of cheerios..."

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where the bathroom is at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right. Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. Through the door he asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in there? You are scaring all my customers away." The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on my mop bucket!!"

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Doc's Prescription A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

Russian Vodka

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

Top 10 Pick -up Lines

10) Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed Rock.

8) I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

7) Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

6) Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolonda?

5) Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

4) I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?

3) I seem to have lost my phone #, could I have yours?

2) Wanna go out, get a pizza and fuck? What?!? Don't like pizza?And the Number One Pick- Up Line of all time.......

1) If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas,could I visit you between the Holidays?

Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir. Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal." Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around."

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that." The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.

"Its working, he thought."

But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him.

He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visitRussia, and was entertained by his opposite number, theRussian ambassador. For three days, the Africanambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to thebest hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said"As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you toplay our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of thesix chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder,point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.

"This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud manof a warrior people, and to show fear would beunthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadorsbreathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with thecouragous game, and thought hard about the subjectbefore the Russian Ambassador was due to visit hiscountry the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated theRussian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.Leading him to a private room in the palace, theAfrican ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you tosample our game, African roulette". So saying, heled the Russian into the room, the only occupants ofwhich were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are themost beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any oneof them will give you a blowjob - take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, buthe couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part?Where's the danger?

"With a big grin on his face, the African ambassadoranswered:"One of them's a cannibal"

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comesacross 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bendsdown and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" shesays to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dogactually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in andout of puddles."Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's yourname then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy,and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on tothe last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had agreat day going in and out of puddles.""No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day."

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says,"About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,

"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

A LONESOME MINER

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender. "We got her" replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right. The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers.

He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon." The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't" replied the hooker, "but I thought you might want to open those beers first."

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth. In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut feel into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands."Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Damn, I thought you said 'goats.'"

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. Oddly, however, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiation, he bought the company outright. Shortly after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he set up three interviews.

The first guy was great! He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But, at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?', and the gentleman answered, 'Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.' Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?', and she replied, 'Well, you have no ears.' Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' And to his surprise, the young man answered, 'Yes, you wear contact lenses.' Steve was shocked, and said, 'That's incredibly observant, young man. How in the world did you know that?' The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, 'Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!'

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't. The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant. The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor". "Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked. She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much". So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either". "Finally I said, well how much do you have"? The sailor said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand". He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand" "Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?" I loaned him $75!" she said.

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain.

A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. When she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches long."

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still avirgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she wasnervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a goodman. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposedhis hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama,Tony's got a big hairy chest.""Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Goupstairs. He'll take good care of you."So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off hispants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother."Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!""Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairsand he'll take good care of you."So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and onhis left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she randownstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!""Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

THE HOUSEKEEPER

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional. About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it and it only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paperwhich read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant-twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

This woman goes into a pet store, to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box and it says...." Pussy Eating Frogs" - $20.00 each. (comes with instructions) She looks at it for a minute looks around to see if anyone's watching her...and she whispers to the man, behind the counter. "I'll take one." He packages up the frog, the woman grabs her dog food, and is on her way home. She gets home takes out her instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do. 1) Take a shower, put on some nice smelling perfume 2) Put on a very sexy Teddy 3) Crawl into bed spread your legs and put the frog down "THERE". To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps, the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog..... So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs NOTHING!! She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads her instructions again, thinking there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper, it says if you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does. And the man behind the counter said "I've had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem." A few minutes later, he knocks on her door comes in and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did." She does. She showers, puts on the teddy, the perfume, gets into bed and puts the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS. She says, see I've done everything the instructions told me to do and the damn thing just sits there. The man, looks very concerned and picks up the frog, looking right into his eyes and says... "I'M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS, ONE MORE TIME."

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright. He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!

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