Miscellaneous Jokes (IEJ-Db)

Last updated 2/26/1999

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St Peter checks his book and says "Ah, you're an engineer...you're in the wrong place" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Soon he gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing improvements. After a while they have air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer becomes a popular guy.

One day God calls Satan and asks with a sneer "So, how's it going down there in hell??" Satan replies "Hey things are great, we got air-conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with."

God replies "WHAT??? You got an engineer??? That's a mistake, he should have never been sent down there, send him back up here immediately!!" Satan says "No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, I'm keeping him." God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan starts to laugh "Yeah right, and where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!?" #2

A lawyer died at the same moment the Pope died. They arrived at the pearly gates at the same time.

They spend the day in orientation, and get fitted for their special clothes. The Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, just like everybody else. But the lawyer gets a toga made of gold thread and Gucci shoes. When they get assigned living quarters, the Pope gets a replica of a Holiday Inn room, just like everybody else. The lawyer on the other hand gets a 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinner time the Pope eats a very simple meal just like everybody else, but the lawyer gets a seven course meal served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginningto suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge "Has there been a mistake?? This guy is the Pope and he gets what everybody else gets, I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the best of everything."

The angel replied "No mistake, sir, we've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Four men are playing golf on a Sunday morning. At the first tee, one man excuses himself to go to the restroom. The other three begin to talk about their children.

The first man says; My son is doing great. He owns a car dealership, and every month they set a new sales record. In fact, he just gave his best friend one of his cars as a birthday present.

The second man says; My son is doing great also. He is a real estate salesman, and does double the comissions of anyone in his office. He also is very generous, he just bought a new house for his best friend.

The third man says; My son is a real joy. He is a stock broker, and has made a ton of money in the past few years. He is doing so well, he gave his best friend a million dollar stock portfolio he has built.

By this time, the fourth man has returned from the john, and joins into the conversation. When asked of his son, he replies: Actually I am very disappointed with my son. He has been a hairdresser for the past 15 years, and I recently found out that he is gay.

There is a bright spot though- in the past few weeks he has gotten a new car, a new house and a million dollar stock portfolio from his different boyfriends!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, Are you a real cowboy? To which he replied, Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am.

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, Are you a real cowboy? To which he replied, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.

T here were three city mice sitting at a bar.

The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffeejust for an extra jolt to start off each day." The mice look at each other.

The second mouse slams his whiskey throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feetthen I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw the cat."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A ninetyfouryearold man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twentytwo year old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday. Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire you don't need no water let.....(you know the rest)!"

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire... (you know the rest)".

She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No you don't say that here!!" the parrot looked around and asked, "Why not, these are the same muthaf***s that were in the club last night!!"

Peace on the Lake

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'Is this guy blind, or what?'

"You're in a no fishing area," he informs her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you."

"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.

"I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger.

"Yes, that's true....but you have all the equipment."

At the Pearly Gates Again

It's a troubled day in heaven. God summons St.Peter. "St.Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versacci and Princess Di waiting for him. He says, "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven." Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!"

Freddie and Gianni are mortified. "What's going on here?? We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't!!!"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day"

A fellow passed a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35".

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 3 times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is " If you Always tell the truth, you'll never get screwed ".

This fella has a friend going out of town for Thanksgiving and accepts the job of watching his parrot over the holiday. Problem is, this parrot swears like a sailor, and this guy's a quiet, conservative type and before long the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. It's now the day before Thanksgiving, and he's having guests over!

The guy snaps and grabs the bird, shakes him and yells, "QUIT IT!!!" This, of course, just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it - I've had it with you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush!

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you old chap. I will do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

"So, by the way," the parrot says, looking nervously back towards the freezer, "what did the turkey do?"

Battle Field Conversion

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Gov't workers!

Four men - an engineer, an accountant, a chemist, and a government worker - were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to the desk, took out some paper and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker, and asked, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break slowly got off his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her, and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings. The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form. He pulls out two new hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist. She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether. She figures she's come this far, so what the heck, and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she goes back upstairs, her husband has completed his shower and asks her who was at the door.

One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house. "Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!". Spiderman says "No can do, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. "Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!". Batman replies "Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and I can't fight crime tomorrow without it".

Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision does he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck, spread-eagled, stark-naked!

Supe gets a brilliant idea: "They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers". So he zoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice.

All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What was that!?!". The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like hell!"

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes.

But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight. "That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?" The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. "Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!" "I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "SO YOU LIKE GUYS, Don t Ya ?"

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection hediscovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So heputs up a sign that reads "WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINSCYANIDE!

The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons havebeen eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa, Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boy toy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec! 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years - I think I deserve it. Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly, Barbie

Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes . In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely, Ken

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians".

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes and why they are on the floor.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and/or knees.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named chuck.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

For all of you church goers!!

One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God. "Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?" His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek. "GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny.

"Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked. Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek. "JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny.

And once again the pastor replied "Very good." Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?" But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted

"IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that hefelt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin!? Damn... is it midnight already?'

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, theirstar attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they hadcarefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well\ ifhe would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla sopeople will keep coming to the zoo.Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he putson the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. Heplays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isnt so bad, hethinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating hischest and roaring, swinging around.During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashesthrough some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and startsscreaming, "Help, Help, Help!"The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses,"Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

The World's Shortest Books:

15 Gulf War Hero's of Iraq

14 Yugoslovian Tourist Guide

13 The Irish Temperance Society Members Register

12. "The Book of Feminist Humor" by Patricia Schroeder

11. Human Rights Advances in China

10. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

9. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman

8. Al Gore: The Wild Years

7. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

6. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

5. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

4. Everything Men Know About Women

3. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres

2. The Amish Phone Directory

1. "Modern Ethics and Morality" by William Jefferson Clinton

77 year old Morris went in for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Cohen said, " Morris everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" Morris replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, *poof*...the light goes on when I go to the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off!" "Wow," commented Dr. Cohen, " That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Cohen called Morris's wife. Becky," he said, "Morris is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then *poof* the light goes off?'" Becky replied, "The darn fool!..He's peeing in the fridge again!"

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, him and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says "OK, the first person the swims across my pool will get all my money." No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person the swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?" "I don't want the money." "Do you want the house now or later?" "I don't want the house." "Do you want the cars and planes now or later?" "I don't want the cars or the planes." "Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?" "I don't want that either." "Do you want the drugs now or later?" "I don't want the drugs." "Do you want the girls now or later?" "I don't want the girls." The rich guy looks at him and says "Well what the hell do you want?!?!" "I want the bastard that pushed me in."

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. <click <click Both chambers were empty and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So sayin,he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blowjob - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal"

Always be safe

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not." "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check. The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with: "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Two guys are drinking in the bar on the 110th floor of the World Trade Center. They've both been drinking heavily for several hours and are really toasted. The first guy slurs, "Didja know that 'cause of the way these two buildings are set up, I could jump outa this window an' fall 'bout hunnerd floors, and the updraft between these two towers would sweep me up back into this bar?" The second guy doesn't believe this at all and offers to bet one hundred dollars that it wouldn't work. The first guy says, "You're on," and they each lay a crisp new hundred dollar bill on the table. He then staggers up to the window, opens it and jumps. The second guy leans out the window to watch him fall... 10-20-30-50-80-100 stories he falls, when suddenly he gets swept back up into the bar. The second guy is amazed and says, "Lemme try that," and proceeds to jump out the window. The first guy leans out the window to watch him fall... 10-20-30-50-80-100-110 SPLAT! -- where he falls to his death. The first guy smirks a little, grabs the two hundred dollars and walks out of the bar. As he's walking out, the bartender says, "You know, when you're drunk, you can be a real prick, Superman."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second: "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?"

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that ~ get off the bike. "The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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