Ethnic Jokes (IEJ-Db)

Last updated 2/26/1999

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo....... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese. And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese.. it doesn't matter, they're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." The F.O. replies,"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah.. all same."

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said,"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised When he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math ,books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy shook his head and said "No." "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious.

A priest decides to enter a golf tournament and invites one of the parish nuns to serve as his caddy. He really hopes to do well in the tournament and after the first nine holes, finds himself tied for the lead. On the 10th hole, the priest misses a short putt which would have put him one stroke ahead. He loses his composure and shouts "SHIT! I missed." The nun quickly pulls him aside and whispers

"Father, you are a man of God. You must set an example. Promise me, no more swearing." So the priest apologizes profusely to the gallery and promises, no more swearing. On the 15th hole, the priest misses another short putt and falls one stroke behind the leader. Once again he loses it and shouts "SHIT! I missed AGAIN." The nun crosses herself, runs to the priest and whispers "Father, I implore you. Beg for God's mercy and promise more swearing."

The priest turns to the crowd and says "If I so much as think a profane thought, it is my earnest wish that God strike me dead." On the 18th hole, the priest hits a perfect tee shot and finds himself with a chance to re-gain a share of the lead. All smiles, he lines up for the final short putt. Just as the ball is about to drop in the cup, it drifts away and misses by an inch.

Unable to restrain himself, the priest throws his clubs across the fairway and screams a string of obscenities. Suddenly a huge bolt of lightning flashes down and hits the nun. Then a booming voice from from the sky is heard: "SHIT! I MISSED."

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." "

You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sexa? I'mma justa tellun my frienda how to spella Mississippi'."

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were laying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

The captain of a Syrian airliner sends out a Mayday message: "This is Syrian Airlines 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mid east OTHER than Israel." No answer. A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airlines 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-east OTHER than Israel." Silence. A while later the captain announces, "This is Syrian Airlines 174. We are desperate. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel." Still no answer. Finally, the captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airlines 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel." Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airline cockpit: "Shalom Syrian Air 174 - This is Tel Aviv airport. We would like to help." "God bless you," says the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?" "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitkadash..

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave, the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." Priest says: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest says, "What did you do?" Man says, "I committed adultery." Priest asks, "How many times?" Man replys, "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman replys, "I committed adultery." Rabbi asks, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00."

A Rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, " You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor." The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about??? It was the Japanese that bomb Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!. The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"

A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic." The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!" The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"

One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The English man pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"

The Eternal Jewish Truths, or Your Grandmother's Talmud:

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's. No one looks good in a yarmulke. Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? Never pick your nose in shul; It's the one place you know He's watching. Why spoil a good meal with a big tip? WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish. Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. There's nothing like a good belch. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia. Never pay retail. It's always a bad hair day if you're bald. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. And what's so wrong with dry turkey? If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. Always whisper the names of diseases. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. If you don't eat, it will kill me. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. The most important word to know in any language is sale. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. Never take a front-row seat at a bris. Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. Next year in Jerusalem; The year after that, how about a nice cruise? Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended. You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? Before you read the menu, read the prices. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear. No meal is complete without leftovers. What business is a yenta in? Yours. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon. Schmeer today, gone tomorrow. What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.

Jewish Pick-Up lines:

1) Do you wanna see my haftorah portion?

2) I got a trust fund for my bar mitzvah, what'd you get?

3) Do you want to spin my dreidle?

4) Your father must have been a rabbi because he stole the vowels from the Torah and put them in your eyes.

5) What's a nice Jew like you doing eating scrapple like this? (Note: can only be used when the person in question is eating scrapple).

6) That's a nice-looking yarmulke you're wearing, but it would look even better lying next to my bed tomorrow morning.

7) Can I put my Torah in your ark?

8) Is that a mezuzzah in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

9) Can I part your red sea?

10) I've got ten commandments you can follow...

11) Going out with me is like having Chanukah all year long.

12) Want to wander through my desert?

13) I've got Ramses in my wallet that wants to put you back in slavery.

14) I've got six pieces of gelt and a grogger in my pocket.

15) Nice talis, want to fuck?

16) Why don't you slide your matzoh balls o'er here next to my gefilte fish.

17) Why should we recline tonight instead of on all other nights? Cause I'm holy, baby. Real holy.

18) Some guys use whip cream. I'm a potato latke man myself.

19) Why is this night different than all other nights? I'll show you why...

20) Hiding that matzoh is only half the fun.

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