Men & Woman Jokes (IEJ-Db)

Last updated 2/26/1999

Bonus Joke

Men are Like ...

Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....Parking spots. The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes thru his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady".

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy Pussy", to which he responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

Why women's brains are cheaper.

Brain surgery loomed................ The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say."Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?", asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

The difference between men and women:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG"!! The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!".

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?".

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So ... I wish that I could understand women ... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and You'll have no clothes to wear, if we Don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

A guy who once was a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He wondered what about the proper gender reference regarding computers.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Answering that age old question, "Why Didn't He Call?"

Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Unattached Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas, in fact, for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for HairinaSpray can while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)

So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment. This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life.

Women are puzzled by this, "I don't understand," they say, "We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?" The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand in hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to do it.

If Men Really Ruled The World (from Nov 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?(Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling ****.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.

Success: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style:Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Money Management: A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.

Happiness: To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage Expectations: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Marriage Decisions: Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

Marriage and the Future: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Memories: A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her . A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

Understanding Women: There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

What a Woman Wants: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way. The other is to let her have it.

Longevity: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Mistakes: Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

The Battle: A woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"

Top ten answers men would most like to give to women's stupid questions, but never will.

10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex.

9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

8. You've got shit chance of me calling you.

7. No, I wont be gentle.

6. Of course you have to swallow.

5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

4. I hate your fucking friends.

3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

2. I'd rather watch a stick movie.

1. Eat it? It took me 20 beers to get up the courage to fuck it.

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her,support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked

WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS....

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead.

" "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

" "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

RULES THAT GUYS WISH THAT GIRLS KNEW

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Any dog is better than any cat. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

God looks over the millions of people and says "Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women." There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long.The line of men that dominated women has only one man. God gets angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" He turns to the man and says, "Tell them, my son.. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?" The man says, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

FOR MEN In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

You make the bed.................................................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows........0

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets......................-1

You leave the toilet seat up.....................................-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty.................0

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex......-1

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.........................................................-2

You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings............................................................+5

But return with beer.............................................-5

You check out a suspicious noise at night.........................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.................0

You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..............+5

You pummel it with a six iron....................................+10

It's her father............................................. ....-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party..............................0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy....................................................-2

Named Tiffany.....................................................-4

Tiffany is a dancer...............................................-6

Tiffany has implants..............................................-8

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly..........................................................+1

When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump...................................................-5

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................. ..............................+1

When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"...........................-6

That woman is her sister.........................................-90

You have one drink, and that's it..................................0

You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle......-2

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted...-18

Saturday Afternoons

You go to the mall together.......................................+3

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car...............................................................+4

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar........................................................-2

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it...+3

You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional...0

You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk.............+3

Most of it chips and beer.........................................-6

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den...+15

Or refinishing the floors........................................+16

Or rewiring the basement.........................................+17

Or adding a second floor.........................................+18

Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket......-6

And you're tickled pink about it.................................-15

You visit her parents..............................................0

You visit her parents and actually make conversation..............+3

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television........-3

And the television is off.........................................-6

You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear........................................................ -6

And you didn't even go to college................................-10

And it's not your underwear......................................-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner.........................................0

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..............+1

Okay, it is a sports bar..........................................-2

And it's all-you-can-eat night....................................-3

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.........................-10

You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player......+3

You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing..............................................................+4

If you stink......................................................+2

If you're not half bad............................................+5

You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.....................................................-2

You give her a gift................................................0

You give her a gift and it's a small appliance...................-10

You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance................+1

You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......................+2

You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.........+30

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.......-10

With her credit card.............................................-30

And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.....................-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely...............................-20

You forget your anniversary......................................-30

You forget to pick her up at the bus station.....................-45

Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................................-50

And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast......................-60

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal.................................................-5

And the pal is happily married....................................-4

Or frighteningly single...........................................-7

And he drives a Mustang..........................................-10

With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)....................-15

You have a few beers..............................................-9

And miss curfew by an hour.......................................-12

You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...................-20

You get home at 3 a.m............................................-30

You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars..........-40

And not wearing any pants........................................-50

Is that a tattoo??..............................................-200

Her Night Out

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work..............................................................+5

She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.............................................................+10

You wait up......................................................+15

She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..+20

A Night At Home

You watch TV together................................................0

You rent a movie....................................................+2

You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY.......................+3

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..............+5

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........................-1

It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..............-2

A Night Out ----------- You take her to a movie.............................................+2

You take her to a movie she likes...................................+4

You take her to a movie you hate....................................+6

You take her to a movie you like....................................-2

It's called DeathCop 3..............................................-3

Which features cyborgs having sex...................................-9

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..............-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................0

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.......+20

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself.........+30

And she contracts Lyme disease...................................-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly................................-15

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..+10

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.............................................-5

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical.................-5

Something she can't use..........................................-10

Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20

And she got a small appliance for her birthday...................-40

Driving

You lost the directions on a trip.................................-4

You lost the directions and end up getting lost..................-10

You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...................-15

You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.....................................................-25

You know them....................................................-60

The Big Question

She asks, "Do I look fat?"........................................-5

(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)

You hesitate in responding.......................................-10

You reply, "Where?"..............................................-35

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression..................................0

When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...........+5

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV....+10

She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep................-20

Why I fired my secretary

I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say a word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss my bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted mew with a big smile and a cheerful. "Happy Birthday, boss," She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do at the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found out that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that. Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is ALWAYS launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some application such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - 7 "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Hibernation button - Laptop model - Separate on/off switch for speakers - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware probe feature. I decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife l.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife l.0 or 2.0 *************** BUG WARNING *************** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. ************** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

Which of these sounds perfect to you?

The Perfect Day for Her:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer

4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage

5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing

10:00 Hot shower (alone)

10:30 Make love

11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day for Him!

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blowjob

6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today

7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport

8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club

9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)

11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heineken's

12:15 Blowjob

12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)

2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)

3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew

4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)

5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Chretien resigns, Aline and Bouchard Farm animal video released and authenticated. (Aline has a secret mole, Bouchard looks real cold)

7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak

9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar

9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin)

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi

11:45 Bed (alone)

11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room

11:55 Sleep

If Men Wrote the "Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both. Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Quite Possibly # 1.......

Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

100 reasons we're glad to be MEN

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Nite Football.

6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.

16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don't have to shave below your neck.

36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.

37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking "He must be mad at me"

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just to skeevy.

67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.

69. Same work....more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.

71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.

76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

77. The remote is your's and your's alone.

78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

79. ESPN's sports center.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.

82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.

86. Someday you'll be a 33 YEAR OLD dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"

88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.

I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.

I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.

I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man,

I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.

I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee.

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.

I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.

I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.

I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.

I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.

I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

******** And now it's time for a rebuttal ****************

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.

I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.

I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.

I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.

And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.

My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.

I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.

I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.

I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.

When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.

I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.

I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.

I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.

Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy.

I don't long for male bonding,

I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.

I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

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