Marriage Jokes (IEJ-Db)

Last updated 2/26/1999

This is a beauty.This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week.......

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXXFM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 When was the last time you had sex ? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ? Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian ! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ? Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. CoPresenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. Noway, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!

Radio Silence Advertisement Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

A little girl approaches her mother and asks, "Mommy, how do you get babies?" "Well sweetheart," replies the mother, "the Daddy takes his penis and puts it into the Mommy's vagina." "Oh, okay," says the little girl.

"But last night I walked by your bedroom and you had Daddy's penis in your mouth."

"That's how you get jewelry," says the mother

White Wedding

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made. When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said "White". The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, "Excuse me, I don't mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can't help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?"

The woman replied, "I'm sorry to say, but that's the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him...

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her Husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!" Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

Mr. Fix It

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so".

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.

Realizing he's not going to be able to watch the football game in peace, the husband decides to go to the local bar to finish watching the game. After a couple of hours, he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As He enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a Nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She said, "Hello... Do you see Sara Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so."

There was this woman who hated to give blow jobs. She would do anything else her husband wished for, but that one particular act was just out of the question. One day, she was shopping at the pet store to buy her husband an exotic pet for his birthday, but every animal she saw cost in excess of $500, and that was way too expensive for her. She asked the clerk if he had anything cheaper, and he replied, "Well, we are selling this one frog for $50." She was taken back by how much just a single frog cost, but the clerk answered, "This frog is special though. It gives blow jobs." Since the woman hated to do that and was tired of her husband's constant hounding, she wrote the check and took the frog home. She gave it to her husband, explained the significance of it, then went to bed totally relieved that she never had to be hounded by her husband again. She was fast asleep when she was awoken by pots and pans banging and things falling all around the kitchen. She walked in to discover her husband and the frog sitting at the table, just like old buddies, looking at cookbooks. The wife exclaimed, "Just what are you to doing up at this hour?" "Well," said the husband, "if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"

A young couple just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said, Put these on. She put them on, but the waist was twice the size of her body. I can t wear your pants! she said.

That s right, said the husband, and don t you forget it. I m the man who wears the pants in this family! With that she flipped him her panties and said, Try these on. He tried them on and found he could only get them as far as his knee cap. He said, Hell I can t get into your panties!

She said, That s right, and that s the way it s going to be until your damn attitude changes!

rried man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable she thought to herself, better to ignore him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was again beyond her, and she started not to respond and just so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!

The New Childbirth Invention A married couple went to the hospitaltogether to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try itout. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband'sblood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this,they decided to try for 50 percent.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

However, when they got home, they found the mailman was dead on theirporch.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey girlfriend, I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited." The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Teeing Off

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

MAN: "What was that for?" WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on." The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?" WIFE: "Your horse called."

Sneaks!!!

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp -- only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!" "Honey, let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a --"

"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!!"

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fumin. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool???" "Uh...is this 832-4921?"

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife themost sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says."I want one that's more sheer," says he.

"This one is $350.""I want it even more sheer than that."

"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.""I'll take it!"The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put thison and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens thebox and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference.

"So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at thetop of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks."Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives only a street away and her name is Susan Hoffman." After dinner, George's dad took him aside and said, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, and she's a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I fooled around with other women a lot. Susan Hoffman is actually your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted. After eight months, he started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news: "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister." "Hah," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The women gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says........ "Clumsy bitch."}

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. * Jackie Mason

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

An angel came up to them and said - "You are all to be allocated a method for transportation around heaven...You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly..." The angel looked at the first guy, Dave, and said- "You, Dave, were a bad man! You cheated on your wife 4 times!!! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up dodge..." The angel next looked at the second guy, Jon, and said- "You, were not as evil....But you still cheated on your wife 2 times...For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon..." The angel finally looked at our hero...Sam, and said- "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari..." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sams' Ferrari...There he is, sitting on the bonnet, head in hands, crying... What's wrong Sam they asked.... "You got the Ferrari!!! You are set forever!!! Why so down??? "Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and said- "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board..."

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said "Hey, honey you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. "I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size." The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?

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