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Business Jokes (IEJ-Db)
Last updated 2/26/1999
The "Brian" in the following letter is the son of a AT&T employee. The letter is going to his sister and he is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. I'm sorry but his experience should not be in vain. I must share this with the world.. Anytime you think you have had a bad day atthe office, remember this letter....True story. April, 1998 Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable. Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon. Love, Brian
Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at the Office but aren't: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your lap top. 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMM... I think it's out of fluid! 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It's an entry level position. 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today? 1. It's not fair.. I do all the work while he just sits there!
Why are we all so tired? For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting, and a dozen other maladies, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for the state, and city government, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves 2 people to do the work. ...You, and Me. And, your sitting there playing with e-mail.
A Letter From the Management It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some workers, offensive verbal conduct will no longer be tolerated! The management realizes the importance of each person being able to express their true feelings when communicating with their fellow workers. (We don't need anyone "going Postal" around here!) Therefore, we have contracted with a communications expert to assist us. The Expert has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize the coded phrase so the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue. Thank you. New Phrase: I'm not certain that's feasible. Old Phrase: No fucking way. New Phrase: Really? Old Phrase: You're shitting me. New Phrase: Perhaps you should check with...[Insert name here] Old Phrase: Tell someone who gives a rat's ass. New Phrase: Of course I'm concerned. Old Phrase: Ask me if I give a shit. New Phrase: I was not involved with that project. Old Phrase: It's not my fucking problem. New Phrase: Perhaps I can work late. Old Phrase: When the fuck do they expect me to do this. New Phrase: He's not familiar with this problem. Old Phrase: He's got his head up his ass. New Phrase: Excuse me? Old Phrase: Eat shit. New Phrase: Excuse me, sir? Old Phrase: Eat shit and die. New Phrase: They weren't happy with it? Old Phrase: What the fuck do they want from me. New Phrase: So you would like some help? Old Phrase: Kiss my ass. New Phrase: I love a challenge: Old Phrase: This job really sucks. New Phrase: You want me to take care of this? Old Phrase: Who died and left you boss? New Phrase: I see... Old Phrase: Eat me. New Phrase: I have another meeting now. Old Phrase: Get the fuck out of my office. New Phrase: We need to discuss this with the Boss. Old Phrase: Hey, it wasn't my idea, let shithead worry about it! New Phrase: Congratulations on your new assignment. Old Phrase: Who'd you blow, you incompetent bastard. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mgt.
Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters..... _______________________________________________________ 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2) It's only unethical if you get caught. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!) 7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 8) We put the "k" in "kwality" 9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing. 10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity 11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos..then you probably haven't completely understood the situation. 13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE..... 14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 16) Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. 18) Plagiarism saves time. 19) If at first you don't succeed, try management. 20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens. 21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 22) This can't go on forever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years 23) Never quit until you have another job. 24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be a lawyer" says the balloonist. "I am " replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says "you must work in business." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the lawyer, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
Humorous Employee Evaluations These quotes were reportedly taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations: "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this employee to breed." "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." " When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." "This young lady has delusion of adequacy." "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." "A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless." "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." "He's been working with glue too much." "He would argue with a signpost." "He has a knack for making strangers immediately." "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." "A prime candidate for natural deselection." "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans" "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." "One neuron short of a synapse." "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes." "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
THE PLAN In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a Container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that is how shit happens.
You Know You Work In the '90s When.... 20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow. 14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. 13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables." 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. And, the number one sign you work in the nineties... 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
Heaven or Hell There once was an consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a consultant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the consultant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the consultant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The consultant having good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the consultant, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
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