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Clinton Jokes (IEJ-Db)
Last updated 2/26/1999
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now, have you had sex yet?" Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
Top Ten Possible First Lines For Monica Lewinsky's Book 10. "Even as a baby, my parents noticed I had an unusual attachment to my pacifier." 9. "Give me all your hot, intern love,' said the big creep." 8. "It was a dark and windowless corridor." 7. "Dear Penthouse: I never thought I would be writing one of these letters..." 6. "I knew someday I'd go down in history." 5. "Like, I hate hate hate hate hate hate Linda Tripp." 4. "Does this font make me look fat?" 3. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times na, it was mostly bad." 2. "By the time you read this, I'll be on to my next president..." 1. "Me and my big mouth!" Top Ten Possible First Lines For Monica Lewinsky's Book (that didn't make the list) "See Dick run." "Four scores and seven months ago..." "I guess it's true. More and more women ARE enjoying cigars...." "Like, I totally can't believe I have 199 more pages to go..." "Oh, Bubba,' I moaned." "I'm only on the first line and already I'm running out of things to say." "I hope this book will have a lot of pictures, because I don't feel like typing all day." (THIS ONE IS FUNNY! ) "The President was sending me on a top secret mission underneath his desk." (THIS ONE TOO) His office smelled like KFC." "I nailed the Bubba!" "Remember how I got that job interview at Revlon? That's how I got this book deal." "The history of the Federal Reserve banking system is a fascinating story that's never before been presented in a way the layman can enjoy." "Monica Lewinsky awoke from unsettling dreams to find herself metamorphosed into a giant intern."
President Clinton's Testimony" by Dr.Seuss I did not do it in a car I did not do it in a bar I did not do it in the dark I did not do it in the park I did not do it on a date I did not ever fornicate I did not do it at a dance I did not do it in her pants I did not get beyond first base I did not do it in her face I never did it in a bed If you think that, you've been misled I did not do it with a groan I did not do it on the phone I did not cause her dress to stain I never boinked Saddam Hussein I did not do it with a whip I never fondled Linda Tripp I never acted really silly With volunteers like Kathleen Willey There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher I chased her 'round, but could not catch her No kinky stuff, not on your life I wouldn't, even with my wife And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes Was paid for by my right-wing foes And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers Are just a bunch of party poopers I did not ask my friends to lie I did not hang them out to dry I did not do it last November But if I did, I don't remember I did not do it in the hall I could have, but I don't recall I never did it in my studyI never did it with my dog, Buddy I never did it to Sox, the cat I might have-once-with Arafat I never did it in a hurry I never groped Ms. Betty Currie There was no sex at Arlington There was no sex on Air Force One I might have copped a little feel And then endeavored to conceal But never did these things so lewd At least, not ever in the nude These things to which I have confessed They do not count, if we stayed dressed It never happened with cigar I never dated Mrs. Starr I did not know this little sin Would be retold on CNN I broke some rules my Mama taught me I tried to hide, but now you've caught me But I implore, I do beseech Do not condemn, do not impeach I might have got a little tail But never, never did inhale
This is the FBI summary of a conversation that took place this week between President Clinton and Ashley, a brand new intern in the White House. Ashley walked into the White House for her first day of her internship and was greeted by the President. After a short tour of the White House the President asked "Would you like to see the Presidential Clock?" Ashley looked troubled and said "I don't know Mr. President. I have heard some pretty bad things about you. I don't think that would be a good idea." "Nonsense" said the President. "It's just a clock." Ashley agreed and the President led her into the Oval Office where they were alone. He closed the door, dropped his pants, and pulled it out. Ashley gasped. "Oh that's not the Presidential Clock, that's the Presidential Cock!" To which the President responded: "Ashley honey, once you put a face and two hands on it, it's a clock!"
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed? * * * * * Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th comandment.... "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff" * * * * * Bill Gates is in town (New York) showing all the computer executives how well Windows 98 works. But computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are thinking about renaming it MONICA 98 * * * * * It seems the big new game to play at the White House is SWALLOW THE LEADER! **** In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT. **** Arkansas is very proud of Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one of them is his sister! **** Q. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? A. Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference! * * * * * * * * * * * * President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges: Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. * * * * * * Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?" * * * * * * The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue"
Subject: Titanic Video vs. Clinton Video TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70 percent. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
[Sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin" from the musical "Grease."] Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast" Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast" Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me" Monica: "Met the pres, down on my knees" Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights" Investigation Committee:"Well, ah..well, ah....well, ah uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: "Try to remember your best" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?" Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp" Monica: "The pres is sexy - he makes my panties damp" Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House" Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth: I nvestigation Committee: Well, ah..well, ah....well, ah uh Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: "He sounds like a swell guy" Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?" Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess" Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress" Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow" Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now" Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams...But.........oh" "Those White House Nights"
Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and and Bill Clinton get caught up in a tornado and transported to the Yellow Brick Road, where they make their way to the Wizard of Oz. The Wizard asks what each wants. "I want a brain," says Quayle; "I want a heart", says Gingrich. "Where's Dorothy ?" asks Clinton.
What did Arafat say to Clinton? "Sheep don't talk, my friend."
1. What do Monica Lewinsky and soda machines have in common? Answer: They both have slots which say 'Insert Bill' here. 2. What help wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Answer: Be a White House intern, and get a taste of the Presidency! 3. Did you hear that there's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon? Answer: It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. 4. Did you hear that when this scandal is over that Monica plans to sell her story? Answer: She said she will tell it Blow by Blow. 5. What's Monica Lewinsky going to title her memoirs? Answer: 'How to SuckSeed in the Oval Office Without Really Trying!' 6. Why does Bill Clinton wear underware? Answer: To keep his ankles warm. 7. Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? Answer: Monica swallowed the evidence. 8. Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? Answer: She's withholding evidence. 9. What's the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? Answer: A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. 10. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Answer: Because, she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. 11. Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. Answer: "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum accross!" 12. Bill's nickname for Hillary is, "My little buttercup". What's his nickname for Monica? Answer: "My little suction cup"
From the "Be careful what you say" files: "Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term, the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." --Arkansas 12th Congressional District Hopeful William Jefferson Clinton [1974--During the Nixon investigations]
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into acrystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news."There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourselfto be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death thisyear." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at thesingle flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deepbreaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question."Will I be acquitted?"
As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"
Q : What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!
Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird? -the spread eagle
A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?" Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."
Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.
The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.
Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.
Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% said "Not again."
Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense...Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position....
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.}
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered the President's firm denial: "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. "This may be aload to handle, but when things get hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on. "I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you." Monica Lewinsky
From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton: 10. If the dress aint a mess, he won't need to confess 9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate 8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit 7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal 6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore 5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses 4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life 3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof 2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane: 1. If the sex is just oral, it is not really immoral
The Top 12 Questions Ken Starr Has for the President 12 "Let's speed this up-who *haven't* you nailed?" 11 "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?" 10 "And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?" 9 "Can I have some of those fries?" 8 "Do you admit my getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?" 7 "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!" 6 "Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?" 5 "Would you, could you in a boat? Have you, did you with a goat?" 4 "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of anything besides a beret?" 3 "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?" 2 "Are you now, or have you ever been, in a non-erect state?" and the Number 1 Question Ken Starr Has for the President... 1 "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?"
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of : his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. : "Its this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want to do about it?" : the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire : walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs : Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The : stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first : PITCH!'"
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's : specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; : I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he : asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? : A. The nation. : :
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex? : A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." : :
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has : spelled out the message, "BILL SUCKS!" in urine on the White House : Lawn. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples : from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit : immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I : have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is that the urine : belongs to Vice President Gore." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. : "Well, sir, the handwriting belongs to Hillary!" : :
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners: ********************************************** # 1: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. # 2: Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. # 3: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter Given the choice of how to be blown.}
The Presidents and the Titanic Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on a ship that hit an iceberg. Ford screamed, "What should we do?" Reagan said, "Man the lifeboats", Carter said, "Women and children first", Nixon said, "Screw the women and children", Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?".
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn last night. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "Bill is a liar " written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a message in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?" Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Monica's handwriting."
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